Guide | Be Her Partner, Not Her Coach: How Men Can Provide Real Support During Labor
Many expectant fathers feel unsure of what to do when their wife goes into labor. One wrong remark can quickly make matters worse.
Armin Brott, bestselling parenting author and host of the Positive Parenting radio show, experienced this firsthand. After his wife had been in labor for 20 hours, he offered a suggestion: “How about a C-section?” Her response was brief and forceful: “F*** you.”
Brott later reflected that his instinct as a husband was to ease her pain, but he overlooked what she truly needed: support, understanding, and respect.
During labor, be a companion—not the decision-maker
“We often call expectant fathers ‘coaches,’ but childbirth is not a competition. Women do not need a coach directing them; they need an intimate, dependable, gentle partner,” said Susanrachel Condon, a New York certified nurse-midwife, doula, and massage therapist.
“Like sex, birth should feel intimate—light candles, play music, give her some chocolate, hold her hand, and tell her she is doing wonderfully,” Condon said.
Erica Lyon, president of the Childbirth Education Association, added: “Men are also going through a flood of emotions. No one instinctively knows how to support someone in labor; preparation, communication, and understanding are what matter.”
Five key tips for birth partners:
1. Prepare early and learn about labor
Lack of knowledge can cause fear, anxiety, and a loss of control. Basic knowledge can help you face the delivery room with greater confidence. Lyon recommends prenatal classes and books for new fathers, including The Birth Partner by Penny Simkin and The Expectant Father by Armin Brott.
Discuss pain management, birth preferences, and other expectations with the pregnant woman in advance to avoid disagreement at a critical moment.
2. Offer different forms of comfort
Playing her favorite music, bringing water, giving a massage, helping her change position, or preparing a warm compress may seem minor, but each helps you participate and provide support.
Condon described how her husband quietly read Walt Whitman poems she had selected in advance while she used a bathtub to ease contraction pain. “That prepared form of companionship was especially tender and helped me relax completely,” she recalled.
3. Do not try to “fix” the problem
“Men always want to solve the problem, but this time she does not need you to fix anything,” Brott said. Empathy matters more than a solution.
When she says, “It hurts,” you do not need to coach her breathing or stare at the contraction monitor. Say: “I hear you. I know you are strong. I’m right here.”
4. Advocate for her
Speak for her when she cannot express herself clearly. You know her wishes and emotions well. If she feels a strong urge to push but is being told not to, you can say gently but firmly: “She really feels that she needs to push.”
Lyon stressed: “Do not assume hospital staff are ‘gods’ because they wear hospital clothing. You have the right to ask questions, challenge decisions, and express concerns when appropriate.” Brott also shared a real case in which a husband protected his allergic wife by checking a medication label.
5. Do not take her reactions personally
Even if she does not speak to you throughout labor, do not leave. Sometimes quiet presence is the greatest comfort.
Brott recalled that a friend’s wife kept her eyes closed and said nothing for 12 hours, but later admitted: “I needed you there.”
Lyon concluded: “Even if she says nothing, holding her hand and softly saying, ‘You’re doing wonderfully,’ is enough.”
A doula supports both of you rather than replacing you
More women now choose professional doula support during childbirth—a female support person who provides care from pregnancy through the postpartum period.
Claudia Bermudez of Massachusetts said a doula gave her tremendous reassurance and courage after her mother died. “She held my hand tightly and told me with her eyes: You are not alone.”
Studies report that doula-supported labor is 25% shorter on average, requests for epidural anesthesia fall by 60%, and the risk of cesarean delivery falls by 50%.
“When women labor alone, anxiety causes the body to release norepinephrine, which can inhibit contractions,” said John Kennell, professor of pediatrics at Case Western Reserve University.
Doula services vary: some bring hot-water bottles, some provide massage and emotional support, and others reassure an anxious husband outside the delivery room.
“Especially for first-time fathers, a doula can serve as a birth-support adviser and help you support your wife with greater confidence,” Lyon said.
Guide | Be Her Partner, Not Her Coach: How Men Can Provide Real Support During Labor
Guide | Be Her Partner, Not Her Coach: How Men Can Provide Real Support During Labor
Many expectant fathers feel unsure of what to do when their wife goes into labor. One wrong remark can quickly make matters worse.
Armin Brott, bestselling parenting author and host of the Positive Parenting radio show, experienced this firsthand. After his wife had been in labor for 20 hours, he offered a suggestion: “How about a C-section?” Her response was brief and forceful: “F*** you.”
Brott later reflected that his instinct as a husband was to ease her pain, but he overlooked what she truly needed: support, understanding, and respect.
During labor, be a companion—not the decision-maker
“We often call expectant fathers ‘coaches,’ but childbirth is not a competition. Women do not need a coach directing them; they need an intimate, dependable, gentle partner,” said Susanrachel Condon, a New York certified nurse-midwife, doula, and massage therapist.
“Like sex, birth should feel intimate—light candles, play music, give her some chocolate, hold her hand, and tell her she is doing wonderfully,” Condon said.
Erica Lyon, president of the Childbirth Education Association, added: “Men are also going through a flood of emotions. No one instinctively knows how to support someone in labor; preparation, communication, and understanding are what matter.”
Five key tips for birth partners:
1. Prepare early and learn about labor
Lack of knowledge can cause fear, anxiety, and a loss of control. Basic knowledge can help you face the delivery room with greater confidence. Lyon recommends prenatal classes and books for new fathers, including The Birth Partner by Penny Simkin and The Expectant Father by Armin Brott.
Discuss pain management, birth preferences, and other expectations with the pregnant woman in advance to avoid disagreement at a critical moment.
2. Offer different forms of comfort
Playing her favorite music, bringing water, giving a massage, helping her change position, or preparing a warm compress may seem minor, but each helps you participate and provide support.
Condon described how her husband quietly read Walt Whitman poems she had selected in advance while she used a bathtub to ease contraction pain. “That prepared form of companionship was especially tender and helped me relax completely,” she recalled.
3. Do not try to “fix” the problem
“Men always want to solve the problem, but this time she does not need you to fix anything,” Brott said. Empathy matters more than a solution.
When she says, “It hurts,” you do not need to coach her breathing or stare at the contraction monitor. Say: “I hear you. I know you are strong. I’m right here.”
4. Advocate for her
Speak for her when she cannot express herself clearly. You know her wishes and emotions well. If she feels a strong urge to push but is being told not to, you can say gently but firmly: “She really feels that she needs to push.”
Lyon stressed: “Do not assume hospital staff are ‘gods’ because they wear hospital clothing. You have the right to ask questions, challenge decisions, and express concerns when appropriate.” Brott also shared a real case in which a husband protected his allergic wife by checking a medication label.
5. Do not take her reactions personally
Even if she does not speak to you throughout labor, do not leave. Sometimes quiet presence is the greatest comfort.
Brott recalled that a friend’s wife kept her eyes closed and said nothing for 12 hours, but later admitted: “I needed you there.”
Lyon concluded: “Even if she says nothing, holding her hand and softly saying, ‘You’re doing wonderfully,’ is enough.”
A doula supports both of you rather than replacing you
More women now choose professional doula support during childbirth—a female support person who provides care from pregnancy through the postpartum period.
Claudia Bermudez of Massachusetts said a doula gave her tremendous reassurance and courage after her mother died. “She held my hand tightly and told me with her eyes: You are not alone.”
Studies report that doula-supported labor is 25% shorter on average, requests for epidural anesthesia fall by 60%, and the risk of cesarean delivery falls by 50%.
“When women labor alone, anxiety causes the body to release norepinephrine, which can inhibit contractions,” said John Kennell, professor of pediatrics at Case Western Reserve University.
Doula services vary: some bring hot-water bottles, some provide massage and emotional support, and others reassure an anxious husband outside the delivery room.
“Especially for first-time fathers, a doula can serve as a birth-support adviser and help you support your wife with greater confidence,” Lyon said.
Source:
Collected online