News | When good intentions hurt: Communication breakdowns around infertility
Although fertility is increasingly discussed in public, infertility remains surrounded by silence and misunderstanding. In a recent commentary, British journalist and BBC Radio 4 Woman’s Hour presenter Nuala McGovern drew on her own miscarriage and multiple failed IVF cycles to highlight a lack of effective communication: when people most need understanding, words often cause further harm.
“This is a subject none of us is good at discussing”
McGovern said infertility is difficult to discuss partly because society has long treated motherhood as an expected path. When that expectation is not met, others often feel uncomfortable and fill the silence with inappropriate remarks.
According to the UK National Health Service (NHS), about 1 in 7 couples experience fertility problems. Many people therefore face this situation without appropriate communication support.
Good intentions do not guarantee effective communication
The article describes common communication mistakes in real situations. Suddenly mentioning someone’s miscarriage in public or repeatedly asking about treatment details, such as “How many IVF cycles have you had?”, can feel intrusive or emotionally exploitative.
Common phrases such as “I’m sure you’ll succeed” are intended as encouragement but may minimize real pain. McGovern noted that “I’m sorry” is a complete and sufficient response without added judgments or predictions.
She also described someone trying to “realistically” remind her after an embryo transfer that success rates were limited. Even when factually accurate, such comments can cause additional distress at a sensitive time.
Tension between medical reality and emotional needs
According to the UK Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority (HFEA), the average live birth rate from fresh embryo transfers is about 25%, meaning most attempts do not lead to immediate success.
McGovern emphasized that being truthful does not mean every truth is appropriate to express at every moment. During highly emotional periods, people may want honesty but also need tact and empathy.
Heightened isolation: the gap between being discussed and understood
The article also addresses another subtle harm: the unintentional spread of private information. Discussing someone’s experience without permission can intensify isolation and make an already difficult process harder.
In her view, infertility is both a medical issue and a highly individual emotional experience. People may respond very differently to the same words, making communication more challenging.
How to communicate better: less judgment, more listening
Based on her experience, McGovern identified more effective approaches:
Use fewer empty reassurances (platitudes)
Avoid overly certain statements
Choose an appropriate time and private setting
Listen more instead of rushing to respond
Offer empathy rather than advice
She highlighted friends who shared news of their pregnancy while first acknowledging that it might bring up complex emotions. Their restrained, thoughtful approach was more meaningful.
A fertility clinic receptionist’s words—“You are already complete together”—were among the most comforting she heard, showing the value of simply feeling seen.
From personal experience to a public issue
McGovern hopes that openly sharing these complex feelings will encourage more mature communication. Infertility is not rare, she said; what is rare is the ability to respond appropriately.
As the subject enters wider public discussion, balancing medical facts with emotional support will remain an important issue in reproductive health.
News | When good intentions hurt: Communication breakdowns around infertility
News | When good intentions hurt: Communication breakdowns around infertility
Although fertility is increasingly discussed in public, infertility remains surrounded by silence and misunderstanding. In a recent commentary, British journalist and BBC Radio 4 Woman’s Hour presenter Nuala McGovern drew on her own miscarriage and multiple failed IVF cycles to highlight a lack of effective communication: when people most need understanding, words often cause further harm.
“This is a subject none of us is good at discussing”
McGovern said infertility is difficult to discuss partly because society has long treated motherhood as an expected path. When that expectation is not met, others often feel uncomfortable and fill the silence with inappropriate remarks.
According to the UK National Health Service (NHS), about 1 in 7 couples experience fertility problems. Many people therefore face this situation without appropriate communication support.
Good intentions do not guarantee effective communication
The article describes common communication mistakes in real situations. Suddenly mentioning someone’s miscarriage in public or repeatedly asking about treatment details, such as “How many IVF cycles have you had?”, can feel intrusive or emotionally exploitative.
Common phrases such as “I’m sure you’ll succeed” are intended as encouragement but may minimize real pain. McGovern noted that “I’m sorry” is a complete and sufficient response without added judgments or predictions.
She also described someone trying to “realistically” remind her after an embryo transfer that success rates were limited. Even when factually accurate, such comments can cause additional distress at a sensitive time.
Tension between medical reality and emotional needs
According to the UK Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority (HFEA), the average live birth rate from fresh embryo transfers is about 25%, meaning most attempts do not lead to immediate success.
McGovern emphasized that being truthful does not mean every truth is appropriate to express at every moment. During highly emotional periods, people may want honesty but also need tact and empathy.
Heightened isolation: the gap between being discussed and understood
The article also addresses another subtle harm: the unintentional spread of private information. Discussing someone’s experience without permission can intensify isolation and make an already difficult process harder.
In her view, infertility is both a medical issue and a highly individual emotional experience. People may respond very differently to the same words, making communication more challenging.
How to communicate better: less judgment, more listening
Based on her experience, McGovern identified more effective approaches:
Use fewer empty reassurances (platitudes)
Avoid overly certain statements
Choose an appropriate time and private setting
Listen more instead of rushing to respond
Offer empathy rather than advice
She highlighted friends who shared news of their pregnancy while first acknowledging that it might bring up complex emotions. Their restrained, thoughtful approach was more meaningful.
A fertility clinic receptionist’s words—“You are already complete together”—were among the most comforting she heard, showing the value of simply feeling seen.
From personal experience to a public issue
McGovern hopes that openly sharing these complex feelings will encourage more mature communication. Infertility is not rare, she said; what is rare is the ability to respond appropriately.
As the subject enters wider public discussion, balancing medical facts with emotional support will remain an important issue in reproductive health.
Story source:
Collected online