Guide | Supporting a Partner During Labor: What Expectant Fathers Can Do
Labor is an intense physical challenge for an expectant mother and an emotional test for her partner. Men are often expected to provide steady support in the role of “coach,” yet may not know what to do and can unintentionally make things harder.
Armin Brott, author of several parenting books and host of the Positive Parenting radio program, admits he once made a mistake. After his wife had been in labor for 20 hours, he suggested a cesarean section and received an angry response.
“She had just two words for me: ‘Drop dead,’” Brott recalled with a wry smile. He realized he was not there to make decisions but to stay with her and offer support.
During Labor: Be a Partner, Not a Coach
“We cannot treat labor like a competition or ask husbands to act as coaches,” said Susanrachel Condon, a certified nurse-midwife, doula, and massage therapist in New York City. “Women know how to give birth. They need support, not instruction.”
Condon suggests thinking of labor as an intimate act of love. “Hold her, touch her, and respond to her. Fill the moment with tenderness and connection.” Light candles, play music, or offer a favorite piece of chocolate—these are meaningful forms of support.
5 Key Ways Expectant Fathers Can Provide Support
1. Be prepared
“The more you understand what happens during labor, the more control you will feel in an experience that can seem out of control,” said Erica Lyon, president of the New York Association for Childbirth Education.
Childbirth classes and professional books such as Penny Simkin’s The Birth Partner or Brott’s The Expectant Father help men understand their partner’s experience and may reduce tension between couples.
“When women feel afraid or distrustful, they may direct those emotions toward their partner,” Lyon noted.
2. Offer specific comfort measures
Massage, a warm bath, music, snacks, and position changes can ease discomfort and give the partner a useful role.
Condon recalled that while she soaked in a warm bath, her husband quietly read Walt Whitman’s poetry to her. No verbal direction was needed because they had discussed these comfort measures in advance.
3. Do not rush to fix the pain
“It is a typical male response,” Brott said. “You see someone you love in pain and want to solve it immediately. But labor is not a problem or a malfunction that needs fixing.”
Emotional empathy is more helpful than rational analysis. “If she says it hurts, say, ‘I know.’ Tell her you are there, that you love her, and that you will not leave.”
4. Advocate for her
You may not know labor, but you know your partner.
“If she strongly feels the urge to push and staff say, ‘Not yet,’ you can speak up: ‘She truly feels that she needs to push,’” Lyon said. Partners should communicate with medical staff and advocate for the woman’s preferences.
She also recommends maintaining privacy, introducing new people entering the delivery room, and limiting video recording: “This is a private, intimate moment, not a Hollywood set.”
5. Do not take her words personally
“Some women become completely silent or seem distant during labor,” Brott said. “But she still wants you nearby.”
One husband stayed with his wife for 12 hours. She kept her eyes closed and said nothing, clenching her fists as she focused on the pain, while he quietly remained beside her. Later she told him: “I needed you there the entire time.”
“Sometimes all she needs is for you to hold her hand and whisper, ‘You’re doing very well. I’m proud of you,’” Lyon added.
How Can a Doula Change the Birth Experience?
Many women choose support from a doula during labor. The term comes from Greek and means “woman caregiver.” Doulas do not replace a partner or doctor; they offer emotional support and specialized knowledge to help labor proceed more smoothly.
“At a critical moment, she held my hand and looked steadily at me, and I no longer felt alone,” said Claudia Bermudez of Massachusetts, who hired a doula for her second delivery. She especially valued the support of another woman and mother.
A doula’s role extends beyond emotional support. Studies suggest doula support is associated with labor that is 25% shorter on average, a 50% lower likelihood of cesarean delivery, and 60% fewer requests for epidural anesthesia.
Doulas generally charge $400–$1,200. Some bill hourly, and some health insurance may provide coverage. Condon’s team, for example, starts at $900 and charges by the hour after 12 hours; the fee includes prenatal and postpartum visits and telephone consultations.
Contact a doula during the second trimester and meet at least 1–2 times to discuss expectations for delivery.
“I often recommend that first-time fathers hire a doula,” Lyon said. “She can support the woman in labor and guide her partner in participating more effectively.”
Guide | Supporting a Partner During Labor: What Expectant Fathers Can Do
Guide | Supporting a Partner During Labor: What Expectant Fathers Can Do
Labor is an intense physical challenge for an expectant mother and an emotional test for her partner. Men are often expected to provide steady support in the role of “coach,” yet may not know what to do and can unintentionally make things harder.
Armin Brott, author of several parenting books and host of the Positive Parenting radio program, admits he once made a mistake. After his wife had been in labor for 20 hours, he suggested a cesarean section and received an angry response.
“She had just two words for me: ‘Drop dead,’” Brott recalled with a wry smile. He realized he was not there to make decisions but to stay with her and offer support.
During Labor: Be a Partner, Not a Coach
“We cannot treat labor like a competition or ask husbands to act as coaches,” said Susanrachel Condon, a certified nurse-midwife, doula, and massage therapist in New York City. “Women know how to give birth. They need support, not instruction.”
Condon suggests thinking of labor as an intimate act of love. “Hold her, touch her, and respond to her. Fill the moment with tenderness and connection.” Light candles, play music, or offer a favorite piece of chocolate—these are meaningful forms of support.
5 Key Ways Expectant Fathers Can Provide Support
1. Be prepared
“The more you understand what happens during labor, the more control you will feel in an experience that can seem out of control,” said Erica Lyon, president of the New York Association for Childbirth Education.
Childbirth classes and professional books such as Penny Simkin’s The Birth Partner or Brott’s The Expectant Father help men understand their partner’s experience and may reduce tension between couples.
“When women feel afraid or distrustful, they may direct those emotions toward their partner,” Lyon noted.
2. Offer specific comfort measures
Massage, a warm bath, music, snacks, and position changes can ease discomfort and give the partner a useful role.
Condon recalled that while she soaked in a warm bath, her husband quietly read Walt Whitman’s poetry to her. No verbal direction was needed because they had discussed these comfort measures in advance.
3. Do not rush to fix the pain
“It is a typical male response,” Brott said. “You see someone you love in pain and want to solve it immediately. But labor is not a problem or a malfunction that needs fixing.”
Emotional empathy is more helpful than rational analysis. “If she says it hurts, say, ‘I know.’ Tell her you are there, that you love her, and that you will not leave.”
4. Advocate for her
You may not know labor, but you know your partner.
“If she strongly feels the urge to push and staff say, ‘Not yet,’ you can speak up: ‘She truly feels that she needs to push,’” Lyon said. Partners should communicate with medical staff and advocate for the woman’s preferences.
She also recommends maintaining privacy, introducing new people entering the delivery room, and limiting video recording: “This is a private, intimate moment, not a Hollywood set.”
5. Do not take her words personally
“Some women become completely silent or seem distant during labor,” Brott said. “But she still wants you nearby.”
One husband stayed with his wife for 12 hours. She kept her eyes closed and said nothing, clenching her fists as she focused on the pain, while he quietly remained beside her. Later she told him: “I needed you there the entire time.”
“Sometimes all she needs is for you to hold her hand and whisper, ‘You’re doing very well. I’m proud of you,’” Lyon added.
How Can a Doula Change the Birth Experience?
Many women choose support from a doula during labor. The term comes from Greek and means “woman caregiver.” Doulas do not replace a partner or doctor; they offer emotional support and specialized knowledge to help labor proceed more smoothly.
“At a critical moment, she held my hand and looked steadily at me, and I no longer felt alone,” said Claudia Bermudez of Massachusetts, who hired a doula for her second delivery. She especially valued the support of another woman and mother.
A doula’s role extends beyond emotional support. Studies suggest doula support is associated with labor that is 25% shorter on average, a 50% lower likelihood of cesarean delivery, and 60% fewer requests for epidural anesthesia.
Doulas generally charge $400–$1,200. Some bill hourly, and some health insurance may provide coverage. Condon’s team, for example, starts at $900 and charges by the hour after 12 hours; the fee includes prenatal and postpartum visits and telephone consultations.
Contact a doula during the second trimester and meet at least 1–2 times to discuss expectations for delivery.
“I often recommend that first-time fathers hire a doula,” Lyon said. “She can support the woman in labor and guide her partner in participating more effectively.”
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